The REAL Story Behind The Rise of Grunge and the Fall of Metal!

(**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This article is a PARODY. It is not meant to be taken seriously and no offense was intended! **)

Fans of heavy metal and late '80s "hair bands" are a diehard breed. Their numbers may not be as great as they were "back in the day" when their leather-clad heroes were selling out stadiums, but they can still be found in quantity if you know where to look. Visit any Internet forum catering to metalheads and you'll find them, swapping news and stories, trading CDs and live shows, and reminiscing about the good old days when Bret Michaels still had a full head of hair and Winger were more than just an easy punch line for Beavis and Butt-Head.

The easiest way to start a fight on one of those forums, of course, is to bring up Grunge or Nirvana. Mention either one of those blasphemous phrases and I guarantee that within three seconds you'll get a response like this:

"Dude, f*** Nirvana! If they hadn't come along and ruined EVERYTHING, then (insert name of any '80s band that used to be big) would still be on top, REAL rock & roll would still RULE, and everything would be right with the world!"

...Seriously, try it sometime. It's a hoot. There's even a popular urban legend circulating in this community that claims "grunge rock" was all part of a carefully crafted plot to erase hard rock and heavy metal from the national consciousness. Of course, most would scoff at this "conspiracy theory" and chalk it up to the ramblings of a few disgruntled rock fans who are still pissed about being booted from their extended adolescence.

BUT...what if they were RIGHT all along??

Thanks to some recently discovered, top-secret music industry documents and recordings obtained via the Freedom of Information Act, it can now be revealed that the scourge known as Grunge rock was indeed released upon the Earth by a powerful secret cabal, consisting of numerous metal-hating record label heads, radio programmers, and MTV executives. What follows is a trasncript of one of their secret planning meetings, held somewhere in Hollywood in late 1991 or early 1992. Unfortunately the names of the participants were stricken from the official record, therefore the transcript only identifies them as "Executives 1 through 5." Read on and learn the truth at last!

EXEC #1: Okay, fellas, let's get this over with, huh? Our topic for today: the kids seem to be gettin' tired of all them, whatchacall'em, heavy metal bands we've got all over our company rosters. The old ones aren't selling like they used to, and the new ones we've been signing aren't catching on, either. So what's going on? We got anything on the schedule for this year that looks promising?

EXEC #2: (makes "jerking off" hand motion) Dude, we've got nothing. It's like a graveyard out there. You heard the latest? Motley Crue just hired some guy with black hair and piercings all over his face to replace Vince Neil. Metal Edge won't even give them a pin-up, they say he'll scare the girls.

EXEC #3: Yeah, I hear ya. Poison just replaced C.C. DeVille with that Kotzen guy, too. (Pause) Good luck with THAT, guys. (chuckles)

EXEC #1: So what you're saying is, right now there's NOTHING in the pipeline that can keep this gravy train rolling? C'mon fellas, this stuff was selling millions of albums a week just a couple of years ago. What happened?

EXEC #2: Dude, YOU try calling up radio stations for a while and convince them that Kik Tracee and Ugly Kid Joe really have something to say to America's youth. See how far YOU get with them.

EXEC #4: Seriously, man. I can't figure it out. Remember all those thrash bands we signed when Metallica got big? They all went over like a fart in church. I think one of the guys from Exodus changed my oil at Jiffy Lube the other day.

EXEC #2: Yeah, and has anybody tried talking to Jani Lane or Kip Winger lately? All of a sudden they think they're serious songwriters, like they're gonna be the next Bob Dylan or something. What the @#$%?? Just shut up and write another "Seventeen" or "Cherry Pie," cheesehead.

EXEC #3: That's nothing. Have you seen Rob Halford since he split Judas Priest? Someone has seriously got to tell him that Pantera called, and they want their outfit back.

EXEC #2: You think THAT's bad? You'll never believe who Iron Maiden is looking at to replace their guy. The dude from Wolfsbane . Seriously !

(ENTIRE TABLE CONVULSES WITH LAUGHTER)

EXEC #1: Okay, guys, this is all very funny but it's not getting us anywhere. We're dyin' out there. Has anybody got a suggestion? If we don't start putting out something that catches on, kids are gonna start spending their money on... I dunno, video games or pornography or whatever, instead of our products!

EXEC #5: (waving a copy of Nirvana's NEVERMIND) Guys, listen up! I've been trying to tell you about this band for months now! Have you heard it? Geffen's making money hand over fist on it!

EXEC #1: I don't hear things. I have people who hear things for me. But if it's selling records, then I'm interested. Tell us more.

EXEC #5: Well, as we all know, the hard rock and metal bands we have now...they're all money pits at this point. They're not selling as many records anymore, but they still have their entourages, girlfriends, ex-wives, drug dealers, makeup artists, pyro technicians, special effects guys, what have you. But these Seattle bands, they're just a bunch of punks. They don't care about ANY of that rock-star stuff.

EXEC #1: They play music WITHOUT makeup or special effects? Is that even legal anymore?

EXEC #2: So what you're saying is, by signing a bunch of these bands, we will be spearheading a new, more organic musical trend, one that is more honest, socially aware, and less image driven than the current one?

EXEC #5: Pffft. I don't care about any of THAT. I'm just sayin' that these guys all work CHEAP. Believe it or not, they're happy just to drive around in a beat-up van, playing crappy clubs, and wearing outfits from the thrift store. Talk about low overhead! All we have to do is buy'em some new guitar strings and drum sticks once in a while.

EXEC #3: Yeah, yeah, I get what you're saying. And hey, I hear they're all raging heroin addicts in that scene too. Which means if we sign some of them to five album deals, they'll probably all be dead before they can complete their contracts. Hell-oooooo, tax write-offs! Besides, imagine all the posthumous box sets, greatest-hits compilations, video retrospectives...

EXEC #1: Okay, you've convinced me. What do you say, gentlemen? Screw this L.A. stuff, let's send all our A&R scouts to the Pacific Northwest and suck it dry. Now, let's wrap this up, I'm late for the fitting for my new hot tub. All in favor, say aye.

ALL: AYE!

(Meeting adjourns, executives leave the boardroom and get in their limos)